5 Conversations Sam & Dean Never Had
by Dex1
Summary: Here be five psuedoconversations that the boys never bothered to have, despite the fact that it would amuse me greatly if they did. Utter nonsense, utter hilarity.


Disclaimer: I own nothing Supernatural.

Author's Note: Solely because I was bored and heavily caffienated at work.

* * *

"Dean, I'm back."

"Whatever heifer."

"What? Did you just call me a heifer?"

"Uh, yeah, I believe I did."

"Are you saying I'm fat?"

"No, I'm saying you rhyme with 'whatever'."

"Cause if anyone here is fat –"

"Don't finish that sentence."

"I'm just saying."

"Please. I am totally ripped. You're the…"

"The what?"

"The…Jolly Green –"

"Don't – "

"Giant."

"Yeah, well, this giant's gonna kick your _fat_ ass."

"You think so, huh? Let me tell ya something little brother, big tree fall hard."

"Fat. Ass."

"Whatever you say, Gumby."

"Yeah, whatever."

"_Yeah, whatever_."

"Heifer."

* * *

"What up nigga?"

"What?"

"I said –"

"I heard what you said."

"So…"

"Dude."

"What?"

"Seriously?"

"Seriously what?"

"You called me nigga. You called me nigga?"

"Yeah, but it's cool. You know, cause you're my brotha. See?"

"Oh, my God."

"From the _same_ motha."

"Dean, stop."

* * *

"Come on Sammy, let's go."

"Where are we going?"

"Out. Dancing."

"Dancing?"

"Oh, yeah. Time to drop it like it's hot!"

"You did not just say that."

"Oh but I did. Now let's go. Let's get crack-a-lackin'!"

"I am not going out _dancing_ with you."

"Dude, ew. I don't want to dance _with_ you."

"Well, I don't want to be anywhere in the vicinity if and when you do start dancing."

"Is that it? Or are you just afraid I'll show you up with all my moves?"

"Your _moves_?"

"Hell, yeah."

"I could wipe the floor with your rhythmless ass."

"Oh, yeah. I'll bet you're just a regular old dancing queen."

"I can move."

"Of course you can. You're young and sweet."

"I'd totally show you up."

"I know, I know. You can dance, you can jive…"

"Dean…"

"Having the time of your life."

"Go away."

"Dig in the dancing queen."

* * *

"Dude, you're such a pussy."

"What? How do you figure?"

"Um, a latte?"

"So?"

"Everyone knows that coffee is a metaphor for the opposite sex."

"What?"

"You know…like me."

"I think I'm ready to end this conversation."

"No, I'm saying…I like my coffee like I like my women."

"And how's that, in the largest cup size available?"

"No. Well, yeah, but not what I was going for. Strong, hot, and smooth going down."

"I think I'm going to be sick."

"And you…well, you obviously like them weak, sweet, and, I don't know…frothy."

"I'm switching to tea."

"Well who doesn't like a nice English chick?"

* * *

"Dean? What are you doing?"

"Writing a story."

"A story?"

"Yes, a story."

"What kind of story?"

"It's a House-related story."

"A what?"

"A work of fanfiction."

"About House?"

"Yes."

"The TV show?"

"Uh, yeah. Dude I love that guy, what an ass! Check it out, total House and Cameron porn."

"Oh, God."

"No, it's cool. A crazy amount of people do this."

"Write porn starring their favorite fictional characters?"

"Yeah, totally. Look."

"No that's all right. I'll take your word for it."

"Then they all make up these cutesy little names, you know like Brangelina. Or in this case, HouseCam."

"That's not really cutesy."

"Yeah, well, some are more creative than others."

"And it's actual, like, amateur porn?"

"Hey now, not all of us are amateurs."

"You don't think that's just a little…twisted?"

"Nah, not this. Now when the slash starts popping up…"

"Slash?"

"Dude on dude action."

"Okay."

"No, not okay. The dudes usually aren't really gay."

"They are usually really people either."

"Ha ha. I'm serious."

"Yeah, I can see that."

"It's like with House and Wilson."

"You do realize I don't actually watch the show?"

"They're best friends. I mean they're close, but they're not _close_."

"Okay."

"No, Sam, it is _not_ okay. That'd be like somebody writing stories about _us_ doing it."

"Why would anyone want to write stories about us?"

"And making a whole…thing. Like an incest…category or something. Like Winchester brother incest. Wincest! Sickos."

"Uh, yeah."

"Go away, Sammy. Let me get back into my nonincestuous, heterosexual, porn train of thought."

"You're a sad little man."

"You're a sad…freakishly tall man."

"Whatever."

"Heifer."


End file.
